Saturday, September 09, 2006



"There's a line between love and fascination,
Hard to see on an evening such as this,
For they give the very same sensation.
When you’re lost in the passion of a kiss."

Oh I'm deep, deep in nostalgia, recalling forty year-old kisses from Jonny --my first high school sweetheart. I can't remember when it started. Some cold morning on Morningside Heights. We all hugged one another so freely, and nothing was made of it. So we kissed freely too and nothing was made of it either. After awhile ( a very short while) I became dependent on Jonny-kisses. Was he dependent on me? Hard to say. Frankly I don't think he knew what he was doing. I certainly did. I wanted it all -- Cinemascope and Color by DeLuxe with the full 20th Century-Fox fanfare blaring in the background. (Our local Bernard Herrmann-obsessive would have loved that, leading as he'd hope to a cue for Beneath the 12-Mile Reef.) But that's a tad far afield from Jonny and me, who were generally to be found sitting quietly together. rarely talking. Usually I'd talk and he'd nod.

Naturally I thought it would go on forever, but it didn't. When did it stop? Again hard to say. It sort of evaporated. No "Big Scene." No regrets. No remorse either. In fact I forgot about him for awhile. I was in pursuit of other boys, and besides
after graduating he wen to Israel joined a Kibbutz and was never heard from again.

Oh Jonny I'd love to think of you alive and smiling. You big head of unkempt dirty blond hair in my lap. Your cozy body clutched to mine.

No. I'm neither drunk nor crying.

Just deep in a dream of you.
david, hey. how to call it- the precisely 'twilight' aspect of your space here? 'nostalgia' yes, to the degree that the word means 'intensely felt memories that produce a kind of craving'. i really can only read Strange Twilight Urges in short glimpses. it's Suffused to say the least. there's so much here, and by virtue of its sheer intensity, it will probably take me months-to-years to read it all. needless to say, your entries are really lovely, and your feelings are really lovely. it's Felt History, like i can see it when you blink.

when i am older, i'd like to think i'll write something similar to this one day, about some other scene, or the crowd of kids i currently know, or whatever. right now i take notes, but i can't build shrines yet. i am still in that part of life where, more or less, you _only_ soak it up... or i only do or whatever.

anyway, i have had this question for years, and it occured to me, you'd be one of the best possible people to ask: is there any way to see the film Bad, directed by Jed Johnson and executive produced by Warhol?

love, math+
Until Dennis's blog returns from hacked hell, a temporary refuge has been set up:

Pass it on...
sweet stuff here-- glad i found it
I had my Jonny. His name is Bobby. I have come out to all my classmates on Classmates dot Com talking about my second love Tommy but not Bobby. Your post makes me think I will.

I forgot about Bobby when I was posting about Tommy. Hummmm .. he smelled of horse, watched him ride his pony while I sat on his porch, he 12 me 15: 1957.

Glad I found you via Dennis Cooper.
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